Von

Every month Esquire magazine runs a feature called “10 Things You Don’t Know About Women,” where celebrity women make a list of things that men should know about the opposite sex. Sometimes it’s helpful advice. Other times it’s just male bashing. For instance:

Molly Shannon: (“It’s not the thought that counts; it’s whether or not we can return it and get what we really want… ‘Island wear’ is a cue to us that you’re bad in bed.”)
Regina King: (“When we say, ‘Wow, that must be your favorite shirt,’ we mean, ‘Wow, that’ll make a great dust rag.’ “)

It got me to thinking: I should write my own list. But I couldn’t stop at just 10:

25 Things You Don’t Know About Men

1) It’s only acceptable to inform us that “it’s that time of the month” when a) when we think you might be preggo, or b) when we’re trying to “get some” and you need to let us know it ain’t happenin’. For the latter, please let us know ASAP—like before we come over.

2) For the love of God; please don’t wear that hideous pirate scarf to bed EVER again! We need you lookin’ sexy at night. Not like you’re about to go make some pancakes with Aunt Jemima.

3) It is both cute and hilarious when you’re really afraid of scary movies.

4) But it makes us feel like men when you grab our arms during the scary parts.

5) Let us know if you have a man right away. Don’t be holdin’ an hour-long conversation that conveniently ends with, “I don’t think my boyfriend would like me giving out my number…”

6) Also, don’t give us your number if a) you’re not gonna accept our phone calls or call us back, or b) you have no desire to holla at us. What’s the purpose?

7) Wanna really impress us? Gon’ ‘head and pay for that check every once in a while.

We know y’all wear those skimpy Halloween outfits to live out your secret fantasies of being a slut. If just for one night.

9) Y’all aren’t the only ones who fake it just to get it over with.

10) We’ll never understand your shoe-shopping obsession—when y’all have like 40 pairs already. Same with purses. Just get a black one and be done with it.

11) We’ll also never comprehend why y’all insist on rockin’ 4-inch heels that hurt your feet within 10 minutes of walking or dancing. Don’t complain to me—I had the sense to wear comfortable shoes.

12) We’re deathly afraid that one night you’re gonna break “it” when you’re “on top.” So take it easy, dog. It’s our manhood. Not the stability ball at the gym.

13) When we tell yo’ ass you absolutely have to be ready by 7, we really mean that we need you ready by 8. We’re just compensating for a) the outlandish amount of time it takes for you to get ready, and b) your complete disregard for being places on time.

14) Under NO circumstances should you EVER mention that you’re going to “take a dump.” Or “take a piss.” Just excuse yourself to go to the ladies room.

15) If we’re not the best (or biggest) you’ve ever had, please don’t tell us. Even if we ask.

16) We need to be in control of the TV remote at ALL times. Even at your place. Thanks for your cooperation.

17) We hate it when y’all backseat drive. Even if we get lost and end up in the Mohave Desert somewhere, we’ll eventually get to where we need to be…without your nagging!

18) We’ve learned more about women from watching Sex and the City than we’ve learned in the duration of our relationship. We might even go see the movie.

19) We fear that once we say the words, “I do”—you’ll transform from a sweet, loving person—into a psycho, controlling bitch who’ll spaz out when we hang out with the fellas.

20) Your attractiveness level goes down by at least 50% when we see a cigarette between your lips.

21) No matter how many times you explain it to us, we’ll NEVER understand the big fukkin’ deal about letting the toilet seat down.

22) And if you’re a woman over the age of 8 and you’ve fallen into the toilet because a man left the seat up, you’re a dumb ass!

23) As for drinking: tipsiness is cute; drunkenness is not.

24) Sooner or later—at some point in our relationship we’re gonna try to gauge your interest in taking part in a threesome.

25) And no, our idea of a threesome doesn’t include two men.