Von

 So I made a call to the good folks at DirecTv last night.

Yup, the same muhfukkas who’ve been dikking me around for months now.

I ordered a hi-def DVR in July of ‘07.

It is currently February of ‘08…and I still ain’t got my shyt.

However, they have been charging me every month—for DVR service that I still don’t have!

In the history of mankind, has there ever been customer service any worse than that?

I pay ‘em my hard-earned money. They owed me some answers.
I needed them to stop lying and tell me what the hell was really goin’ on behind the scenes.

Anyone who knows me knows that I rarely lose my temper.
Few people have ever heard me raise my voice.
And I can’t remember if I’ve ever gone off on someone (outside of playing football).
But if there was ever a time for me to snap out on a muhfukka—it was TONIGHT, gat dammit!

 

So the automated system puts me on the line with this dude named Rick (I think that was his name).
Sounded like a dorky white guy.

 

“What can I do for you tonight, Mr XXXX?“

I told him (with a calm, yet authoritative voice) how his company had been fukking me for months.

I let him know the last few people I talked to straight up lied to me.

And that I just wanted him to be straight with me.

All I wanted was for him to: 1) send my hi-def DVR, and 2) refund the money that I’ve been paying for DVR service that I ain’t got.

Is that too much to ask?

 

Apparently so, ’cause that muhfukka lied to me right off the bat.

 

“Mr XXXXX, our records show that your hi-def DVR service was disconnected in October and we haven’t charged you since then.“

Uh, huh. That’s what ol’ girl told me the last time.

Her ass was lying. So was he!

 

Since I had my computer on, I went to their website and pulled up my bill. I told him that I was looking right at the $6 monthly DVR service charge. Caught in his lie, dude backtracked. At first he offered me 3 free months of HBO (nah, dog. I want my money!). After a few minutes, he said he’d refund me, but he could only do it from October…even though I was charged for it from July. When I pressed him, he said that was all he could do.

It took all I had not to scream at dude.

Instead, I waited patiently for dude to refund my gotdamn money.

When he “finished,” I asked him for a confirmation number.

Dude said he couldn’t give me one.

WTF! I thought every transaction had a confirmation number.

But he said this one didn’t.

Son of a bytch!

Instead, he told me to refresh my bill online—because the refund would show there.

After a few minutes of “refreshing,” I never saw my refund.

Again, I almost lost it and snapped on his ass, but instead I politely asked him to just send my fukkin’ hi-def DVR.

‘Cause at that point, I’d been on the phone for 30 minutes and I was missing the Duke/UNC game.

Can you believe that dude told me I had to pay for another one?
His reasoning: since my 90-day warranty had run out, I wasn’t “covered” anymore.

With my voice bordering on yelling, I asked dude how the fukk can a warranty run out on something I never received?

“Sorry, sir. There’s nothing I can do.”

Have you ever seen that Snickers commercial where the telemarketer wakes a guy up at 6 in the morning—and the dude (while still on the phone and in his bathrobe) flies to the state where the telemarketer is, finds where he works, and smashes his keyboard?

That’s exactly what I wanted to do to that muhfukka from DirecTv.
But instead of smashing the keyboard on the ground, I wanted to smash it over dude’s head and whoop on his pussy ass till the sun came up!

After I finally raised my voice (somewhat), dude magically transferred me to some people who knew what the hell they were doing.

After putting me on hold so that they could review “the notes on my account,” they said my hi-def DVR would be here in 2 to 3 days. They even gave me a confirmation number. I actually believe I’ll really get my shyt this time.  

It’s a damn shame you have to raise your voice and get borderline ignorant with a muhfukka just to get what you paid for.