Von

For all intents and purposes, it was over since “Fukk you!”

That was the culmination of all of my anger and frustration, not just over that particular incident, but at the relationship in general.

Officially though, it was ended yesterday.

“You know I’m not happy, right.”

“I’m not happy either.”

“I don’t want to do this anymore.”

“Me neither.”

And with that, she walked me to the door, and I left.

I know that it was a long time coming, for both of us. But now that it’s over, I honestly don’t know what to think. How to feel.

Should I be happy?

Sad?

Relieved?

I guess when any relationship ends, there’s always time for reflection.

We met a few years ago over the Internet. I had someone. So did she.

But we had so much in common that we were good friends. Or so I thought.

Eventually, neither one of us had anyone. And we began to hang out…as friends. Or so I thought. But emotions have a funny way of sneaking up on people. The more time we hung out, the more I began to develop feelings for her.

Once that starts to happen for me, it’s a wrap. When I fall for someone, I fall hard. I was really in love with this girl. That’s something that doesn’t happen to me often.

I cut off all of my other women (during the height of my “dating” days). There was only one person that I wanted. Even though I wasn’t sure she felt the same way, I just didn’t feel right messing with any other women when there was only one woman I wanted to be with. (True story: When my feelings were at their peak for her during our friendship days, this other young lady was over to my place and I, no bullshit, faked like I was sick so we didn’t “do anything.” That’s just how bad I was in love.)

Pretty soon, we were together. Officially. I was happy. We hung out a lot. I wanted to spend all of my time with her. There’s a glow, an aura to you when you have something going like that. For a minute, I thought I would spend the rest of my life with her. THAT’s how good it was in the beginning.

But then, as strongly as it started, as strong as it was going. It started to deteriorate.

I started seeing things that maybe I overlooked earlier, because my nose was open. Some things that we should have worked out before getting into the relationship.

We began to come unraveled. We came apart at the seams. We argued all the time. Our problems never got solved. Just swept under the rug until they came out in the next argument.

As strongly and quickly as my feelings had come on earlier, well, they evaporated just as fast.

Over the course of the next 3 years, our relationship went in one big cycle.

1) We were cool. No beef.

2) We would argue.

3) We wouldn’t talk.

4) Then we would work it out w/o anything actually being solved. So the ill will would never go away.

5) Start again at step one.

Funny enough, most of the drama of our relationship played itself out on this very blog. Something I don’t know how I feel about, in retrospect.

On the one hand, it’s therapeutic to get this shyt off my chest. On the other…it’s bad for the other party.

Then, finally, mercifully, we decided to end it. It was best for both of us.

I’ll be the big 3-0 in a couple of months. She’s older than I am. Neither one of us needs to waste one another’s time any more.

Even in breakup, I feel that this relationship has taught me a lot. Honestly, it’s a relief that it’s over. All this fighting and drama really does a number on the psyche and spirit. Now I don’t have to waste any more energy on drama or fighting. Now both of us can move on with our lives.

I’ll be a better man in the future for it.