Von

A couple weeks ago I posted a blog called 25 Things You Don’t Know About Men.

It was a rebuttal of the 10 Things You Don’t Know About Women articles that run in Esquire every month where celebrities give us advice on dealing with the opposite sex.

For instance:
Sandra Oh: “So, you want to know the surefire way to get laid? Start by cleaning the house.”

I thought of a couple more things to add to the list.

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1) It really tore us apart and wounded us to the depth of our souls the first couple times you cried in front of us. The 11th time? We watched you and wondered what time the Bulls game came on that night.

2) Please don’t ask, “What are you thinking right now?” If we wanted you to know—we’d tell you! Can we please keep our private thoughts?

3) We can’t take you seriously if you wear makeup and/or perfume to the gym. You’re tryin’ too hard.

4) Once you make that wild, shrieking noise after we lay the smackdown on that ass in bed—we know we can officially get away with just about anything.

5) Don’t wear those low-cut tops or tight-ass T-shirts—if you gon’ have the nerve to complain about men staring and gawking at your rack all day. The hell did you expect? If we rocked a speedo in public, we wouldn’t complain about y’all lookin’ at our manhood. Same principles apply.

6) Please don’t EVER wear those ugly flannel pajamas to bed again! Again, we need you looking sexy at bedtime. Not like you’re about to chop some firewood with your lumberjack friends.

7) When you say, “I’m a born-again Christian and I’ve dedicating my life to the Lord,” we hear, “Dog, yo’ ass ain’t gettin’ NONE for a long-ass time. Mutherfukker.”

8 ) When we ask how your day went, keep it brief and wrap that shit up in under a minute. Two minutes tops. Any longer and we’ll zone out and start thinkin’ about who we can pick up on the waiver wire for our fantasy baseball team.

9) We’ll never understand why y’all are so damn obsessed with goin’ to the zoo.

10) No—we actually don’t wanna “go all night.” We really wanna wrap it up in 30 minutes (or less) so we can A) roll the hell over and go to sleep, or B) go watch The NFL Network.

11) If we go on more than four dates (dinner, movies, drinks, etc) without you pulling out your wallet and offering to foot the bill at least once—that’s a pretty good indication that yo’ ass is NOT a keeper.

12) Don’t even think about asking us to go to Walgreens to pick you up some “feminine hygiene products.” And honestly, would you really want a dude who has no problem standing in line with some Stayfree Dry Max Ultra Thin Pads?

13) And please have the decency to hide all of your feminine hygiene stuff when we come over. Few things in life are more traumatic than the horror of discovering that the red bag with the cord and nozzle in your bathroom is NOT a water bottle.