Von

So I’m surfin’ the web last night.

 

The subject line to the message read: HI DADDY IM READY TO MILK YOU.

What the hell does that mean? Am I supposed to be aroused by that?
Being “milked” does not sound like an enjoyable occasion. Shyt sounds extremely painful!

Body:

CALL MS. DEEPTHROAT 773-759-XXXX

Was I supposed to just jump in my Kia and ride all the way to the south side to get “milked.”

Silly woman.

No one in their right mind would even entertain for a second the mere thought of picking up the phone and callin’ ol’ girl.

Right?

WRONG!

I checked her comments section and there are about 15 or 20 messages from some thirsty-ass idiots tryin’ to either:

A) get laid, B) get their knob slobbed, or C) both!

A sampling of some of the comments:

“U still want this 10inch dick?”

“I been waiting on your phone call. I haven’t received it.“

 

 Is this what it’s come to, fellas?
Are y’all that desperate to get some ass? Y’all got to resort to this?
Is it that easy to get y’all to play yourselves?
Is there any depth y’all won’t stoop to for some head? Or sex?

 

 

 

 

So I got an email from my good friends at AT&T this past weekend.

 

The subject line read: Your AT&T bill is ready to view.
It was my March to April bill (the time period before I got a chance to holla at my boy about actin’ a damn fool and runnin’ up my bill).

 

 

I took a look at the bill and it was more of the same from the previous months (ol’ boy doin’ some unprecedented shyt on my phone and AT&T bending me over for a dial tone).

 

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Monthly Service – Apr 1 thru Apr 30
					Call Waiting																																																									4.68
					Line Charge																																																									6.74
					Caller Identification																																																									7.59
					Calling Name Display																																																									.95
					Federal Access Charge																																																									4.52
					Total Monthly Service																																																									24.48

 

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It costs almost $8 for caller ID?

 

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	Additions and Changes to Service
			This section of your bill reflects charges and credits resulting from
			account activity.
			Item						Monthly	Amount
			No.		Description	Quantity			Rate	Billed
				Effective Mar 15, 2008, your
				Bill reflects an increase of
				$3.00 in your Monthly
				Service charges. Charges are
				prorated from Mar 15, 2008
				thru Mar 30, 2008
		1	-01.	Monthly Service						1.59

 

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If I’m reading the above statement correctly, this month they just took it upon themselves to start charging me an extra $3 more a month—out of the blue—without even tellin’ me why? Dog, they ain’t give me no explanation—they just want me to accept a higher bill. And if I didn’t look at the statement, I’d have never known.

 

Is this how AT&T treats their long-time customers? After more than 6 years of (blind) loyalty, this is how y’all gon’ do me?

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Local Calls
		Direct Dialed Calls
		0-8 Miles
		13		Call(s) at Day Rate	.52
		42		Call(s) at 0% Evening Discount Applied	1.68
		16		Call(s) at  0% Night/Wknd Discount Applied	.64
		Over 8 Miles
		3		Call(s) at Day Rate	.12
		5		Call(s) at 0% Evening Discount Applied	.20
		12		Call(s) at  0% Night/Wknd Discount Applied	.48
		Total for Direct Dialed Calls			3.64
		Day Rate:   Mon-Fri, 9am-11am, 2pm-8pm
		Evening Rate:   Mon-Fri, 8am-9am, 11am-2pm, 8pm-9pm – 0% Discount
		Night/Wknd Rate:   9pm-8am, Sat/Sun/Holidays –  0% Discount
		91		Call(s) made this month averaged $.036 per call
		Volume Discount Savings applied to calls made this month			.36CR

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 This is where my boy went and lost his damn mind.

 

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3-Way Calling

1

-01   3-05  219P               773 606-6569

 

 

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 Dude made only one 3-way call—and they charged me $2 for that shyt.

 

But the real question is: Who the hell makes 3-way calls—in 2008?

Did dude have to be in a conference call? What the fukk!

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	Information Charges
			411 and 555-1212
			2		Call(s) made to 1+411
			2		Call(s) billed at $1.50 each	3.00

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 Thank God dude “restrained” himself and made ONLY two calls to 411 this month.

 

I still can’t believe they charge $1.50—for information?

But that brings about another important question: With so much information so readily available on the Internet, who the hell still calls 411—in 2008?

And for those of y’all who didn’t know, there IS a FREE national 411-type informational number (1.800.373.3411).

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Surcharges and Other Fees
		9-1-1 Emergency System
		Billed for Forest Park	1.00
		State Infrastructure Maintenance Fee	.17
		State Additional Charges	.03
		Federal Universal Service Fee	.51
		IL Universal Service Fee	.11
		IL Telecom Relay Svc and Eqp	.06
		Total Surcharges and Other Fees	1.88

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So let me get this shyt straight—they actually have the nerve to charge you for calling 911?

 

So if a muhfukka breaks into my apartment tonight and attacks me, and I somehow manage to get away and call the cops—they charge me a dollar for that?????

That is SO wrong on SO many different levels.

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Taxes
		Federal at 3%	.86
		Illinois at 7%	2.44
		Municipal Telecommunications Tax	2.09
		Total Taxes	5.39
		Total Plans and Services	41.61

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 So after they hit me with another $6 in taxes, the local part of my bill comes to a whopping $4

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2				-02   2-17  640P CHICGOZN10 IL 773 983-XXXX      D   4:00																																																									.40
	2				-03   2-18 1207P CHICGOZN10 IL 773 983-XXXX     D   1:00																																																									.10
	2				-04   2-18 1229P CHICGOZN10 IL 773 983-XXXX     D   1:00																																																									.10
	2				-05   2-19 1027A PALATINE   IL 847 705-XXXX     D   1:00																																																									.10
	2				-06   2-19 1029A PALATINE   IL 847 705-XXXX     D   1:00																																																									.10
	2				-07   2-19 1030A PALATINE   IL 847 705-XXXX     D   1:00																																																									.10
	2				-08   2-19 1158A CHICGOZN10 IL 773 983-XXXX     D  22:00																																																									2.20
	2				-09   2-20 1154A CHICGOZN10 IL 773 983-XXXX     D   1:00																																																									.10
	2				-10   3-01  344P CHICGOZN10 IL 773 983-XXXX     D   1:00																																																									.10
	2				-11   3-02  214P CHICGOZN10 IL 773 983-XXXX     D   1:00																																																									.10
	2				-12   3-03 1057A CHICGOZN10 IL 773 983-XXXX     D   1:00																																																									.10
	2				-13   3-04 1153A CHICGOZN10 IL 773 983-XXXX     D   8:00																																																									.80
	2				-14   3-06 1043A NAPERVILLE IL 630 637-XXXX     D   1:00																																																									.10
	2				-15   3-06 1056A EUREKA     CA 707 443-XXXX     D   1:00																																																									.10
	2				-16   3-06  909P EUREKA     CA 707 443-XXXX     D   1:00																																																									.10
	2				-17   3-07 1139A DES MOINES IA 515 991-XXXX     D   6:00																																																									.60
	2				-18   3-07  804P CHICGOZN10 IL 773 387-XXXX     D   2:00																																																									.20
	2				-19   3-12  349P NAPERVILLE IL 630 544-XXXX     D   1:00																																																									.10

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

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Naperville, IL?
Palatine, IL?
Eureka, CA?
Des Moines, IA? Dog, you’re killin’ me! 

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Fukk that, dog!
AT&T can kiss my black ass.

They have officially driven me to Vonage ($15 a month for 500 minutes, long distance or local).

The important lesson from this fiasco: ALWAYS CHECK YO’ DAMN BILL!

 

 

 

 

 

…from my good friends at AT&T.

So I was taking a look at my checking account online and noticed that they charged me too much (I set it up so they debit what I owe every month automatically, ’cause I ain’t no good with payin’ bills on time). Way more than they usually do.

It had to be a mistake.

I was ready to get on the phone and cuss ’em the hell out (well, not really. I’m no good at standing up to customer service reps). 

But before I called ’em up to demand an explanation, I figured I’d check my bill online.

I logged on and saw that they indeed charged me a good $25 more than I’m used to payin’. Time’s are too rough in this Bush eceonmy for them to be robbin’ me.

How the hell could this happen?
Anyone who knows me knows I ain’t a phone person. At all.
And when I do talk, I use my cell phone.
I really only have my home phone ’cause I need it for high-speed Internet access (I think I’m gon’ switch to Vonage. They won’t charge me up the ass just for a dial tone).

So why the hell was my bill so high?

Then I thought about it, I had been letting my boy use my computer.
Dude had gone through a series of unfortunate events that left him kinda crippled financially. So much so that his home phone, cell, and Internet had been disconnected. So I let ol’ boy use mine while I was gone to work.

And apparently that fool took it upon himself to use my phone.
Which ain’t really a big deal—as long as he ain’t OVERuse that muhfukka, everything would be cool.

As I took a look at my bill (it’s amazing how detailed their records are: time, date, and length of call—no wonder why these dudes be gettin’ caught creepin’), I noticed that he did make quite a few calls.

But since those were local, it was cool. ’Cause those are pretty cheap ($1.44 in all).

But as I scrolled down, I saw that dude called 411 (information) a bunch of times. And that shyt is NOT cheap!

$1.50 a call.

Again, kinda foul, but not a huge deal.

But shyt got real when I scrolled down further.

’Cause that’s when I came to the horrific realization that ol’ boy was makin’…LONG DISTANCE CALLS!

Downstate Illinois (Naperville, Downer’s Grove).
Detroit!
Philly!
Columbia, Maryland (who the fukk lives in Columbia, Maryland?!?!?!?!)?
Los fukkin Angeles, California!

Dude was talkin’ coast to coast on my shyt!

All he had to do was call Texas and he would have hit EVERY major region of the United States of America.

All in all, he acted a damn fool and ran up $20 in long-distance calls and $25 overall.

When I holla’d at dude about it, to his credit, he apologized profusely and told me he’d hit me back with the $25 that he ran up.

No harm, no foul—but that dude is a damn fool.