Von

Remember my Things You Don’t Know About Men posts?

They were a rebuttal to Esquire’s Things You Don’t Know About Women series, where ladies advise us on dealing with the opposite sex.

For instance:
Minnie Driver: “When you hug a woman at the end of a date, if you have any romantic intentions whatsoever, do not ‘bro-pat’ her on the back.”

I’ve decided to share a few more secrets with the ladies.
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1) If we say, “I’m not looking for anything serious…” we really mean: “I don’t quite think you’re girlfriend material, but we can have sex and catch a movie occasionally.”

2) FOR THE LOVE OF GOD: please don’t wear those hideous gladiator sandals EVER again. We need you lookin’ sexy in the summer—not like you’re about to do battle with a tiger in the Roman coliseum.

3) When you say you’ll “be right out,” after we arrive to pick you up for our date—we know you won’t really be ready for another 20 minutes.

4) Since we know yo’ ass is just gettin’ out of the shower when we get there, we’ve learned to call and say we’re outside waiting—when we’re actually a few miles away. Hopefully, you’ll be ready when we really show up.

5) When you say, “I’ve taken a vow of celibacy to get my life right with the Lord,” we hear, “Some dude fukked me the hell over—and now I’m gon’ take it out on YOU!”

6) Can we please watch a UFC fight without you saying it’s gay and homoerotic? Maybe it’s me, but I ain’t never seen a dude kick another man in the face because he wanted to have sex with him.

7) NEVER show up at our place unannounced. Unless, of course, you want to see the horrific, unspeakable condition of our bathroom. ’Cause the only time we clean it is before you come over.

8 ) If you chose Turn My Swag On as your phone’s ringtone—we’re definitely “not looking for anything serious.”

9) When you ask which purse goes with the dress and shoes you’re wearing—realize that we’re probably 30 minutes late for where we’re supposed to be. Therefore, we’re probably gon’ tell you anything to expedite the process.

10) When we take you to dinner and you nag, bitch, and complain to the waiter all night—we envision you doing the same to us five years from now when we’re attempting to watch the game.

11) If you’re considering chopping off all your hair because you need a “new beginning” after some dude played you—please don’t do it. You’ll regret it in the morning.

12) “Honey, I’m going to the gym. Wanna come?” really means, “Uh, I’ve noticed that you’ve gained a few pounds—and this is the safest way to tell you.”

13) When you pop up for the first time in weeks and say, “Hey, stranger! How’ve you been?” we hear, “Things didn’t work out with the other dude. Good thing we have YOU as our fall-back option.”

14) That being the case, we’ll tell the aforementioned young lady we’re “not looking for anything serious.”

15) Beyonce is not a philosopher whose music should be interpreted as gospel. Thus, if you’ve ever asked your guy to “put a ring on it,” told a man you can “upgrade” him, or dumped him by saying, “to the left” twice—you’re automatically disqualified from being the future mother of our children.