Vondarrien

I despise public bathrooms.

Irrational? Allow me to clarify:
It’s not the actual concept of a public bathroom I have beef with. On the contrary, I think they’re an essential component of our everyday existence. Where else would folks, miles away from the comfort of home, go to relieve themselves? 

They’re necessary. I get it.

What I don’t get, however, are the people who use ‘em.

Public bathrooms are where humanity goes to die.

It’s like entering a parallel universe where the normal rules of society no longer apply.
Men enter as civilized, upstanding citizens—but devolve into subhuman savages once the door closes.

Skeptical?

Consider the following:

—In what other aspect of society is it cool to unleash a wet, Earth-shattering fart—while standing a foot or two from another human? Imagine if it happened on a public train. In a library. On a crowded elevator. You’d be a laughingstock. An outcast. However, for some dubious reason, it’s strangely acceptable in the confines of a public bathroom

—Dropping a deuce is the most intimate thing a man can do (unconvinced? Given the choice, I’d rather have people watch me have sex than take a dump. And so would you, homie). Yet in public bathrooms, however, men consistently drop bombs—with someone mere inches away. Separated by nothing more than a thin divider. In fact, as evidenced by disgraced former congressman Larry Craig, you’re nothing more than a wide stance from touching feet with another man. The horror!

—I’m fully aware of the awful noises that come from deep within while I’m using my home facilities. I’d be horrified if I had to subject another poor soul to hearing that. Unfortunately, not everyone shares my sensibilities. ‘Cause I hear all kinds of unsettling noises coming from the stalls of restrooms on a regular basis. Is it too much to ask for a courtesy flush? (a flushing sound > the dreadful noise produced from a man’s rectal cavity)

—Under NO circumstances should one leave a stall—and immediately start a conversation with another man. Seems like common sense, right? Sadly it’s not, my man. You want awkward? Awkward is when someone in the office bathroom—just having unleashed an epic, smelly, loud, excrement-filled dump, followed by wiping feces from his ass crack—opens the stall door and attempts to have a conversation. “Von! Hey, bro! How ‘bout those Bears?! Our O-line sucks, huh?” Dude! I know what you just did! I was right there!

Those offenses, while immoral, don’t necessarily break any unwritten rules of bathroom etiquette.

However, in the years that I’ve used public facilities, I’ve seen countless unspeakable transgressions committed by otherwise civilized folks.

I work with hundreds of college-educated professionals. Yet I frequently enter the office bathroom and have to avoid puddles of urine. In the grand scheme, pissing into a urinal is one of life’s easiest tasks. Therefore, how a nonintoxicated man routinely misses a giant bowl is beyond my comprehension.

I also once had the pleasure of sharing a gym bathroom with a dude who neglected to close the stall door while grunting and taking care of business. It’s something I’ll NEVER be able to unsee. An image, try as I might, I can’t erase from my memory.

And the unflushed toilets.
Is flushing that difficult? Trust me: nothing fucks up your day quicker than seeing someone’s unflushed handiwork floating in a toilet.

Disgusting.

Not as disgusting, however, as the gentleman who leaves the urinal or stall and bypasses the faucet, neglecting the opportunity to cleanse his body (and soul) of horrible toxins and bacteria.  

I’m of the opinion that humans should have a basic desire to be clean. Long gone are the days when our ancestors, who didn’t have access to today’s advanced technology (liquid soap, hand sanitizer), had no way of cleansing their hands after relieving themselves.

In 2011, we don’t have that problem.

Consequently, there’s no excuse for those who decline to scrub their hands after dropping a deuce.

A contrarian might ask: “Why wash your hands if they’ll just get dirty again?”

Makes sense—until you think about it.

“I just ran a marathon. But I’m not gonna shower—because I’ll just get dirty again.”

“Why wash this sink full of disgusting dishes? Since they’ll get dirty again, I’ll just eat off the soiled ones.”

“Dude, I just took a glorious dump! Why wipe the excrement from my ass? It’ll just get dirty again.”

The man who doesn’t wash his hands will shake YOUR hand.
He handles your food at Subway or Chipotle.
His hands have sullied the documents you handle at work.

This person is not your friend. Or ally.

He cannot be trusted.
Neither can anyone who regularly commits these public restroom transgressions.

It’s a damn shame the rest of us have to suffer.