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Remember my Things You Don’t Know About Men posts?

They were a rebuttal to Esquire’s Things You Don’t Know About Women series, where ladies advise us on dealing with the opposite sex.

For instance:
Minnie Driver: “When you hug a woman at the end of a date, if you have any romantic intentions whatsoever, do not ‘bro-pat’ her on the back.”

I’ve decided to share a few more secrets with the ladies.
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1) If we say, “I’m not looking for anything serious…” we really mean: “I don’t quite think you’re girlfriend material, but we can have sex and catch a movie occasionally.”

2) FOR THE LOVE OF GOD: please don’t wear those hideous gladiator sandals EVER again. We need you lookin’ sexy in the summer—not like you’re about to do battle with a tiger in the Roman coliseum.

3) When you say you’ll “be right out,” after we arrive to pick you up for our date—we know you won’t really be ready for another 20 minutes.

4) Since we know yo’ ass is just gettin’ out of the shower when we get there, we’ve learned to call and say we’re outside waiting—when we’re actually a few miles away. Hopefully, you’ll be ready when we really show up.

5) When you say, “I’ve taken a vow of celibacy to get my life right with the Lord,” we hear, “Some dude fukked me the hell over—and now I’m gon’ take it out on YOU!”

6) Can we please watch a UFC fight without you saying it’s gay and homoerotic? Maybe it’s me, but I ain’t never seen a dude kick another man in the face because he wanted to have sex with him.

7) NEVER show up at our place unannounced. Unless, of course, you want to see the horrific, unspeakable condition of our bathroom. ’Cause the only time we clean it is before you come over.

8 ) If you chose Turn My Swag On as your phone’s ringtone—we’re definitely “not looking for anything serious.”

9) When you ask which purse goes with the dress and shoes you’re wearing—realize that we’re probably 30 minutes late for where we’re supposed to be. Therefore, we’re probably gon’ tell you anything to expedite the process.

10) When we take you to dinner and you nag, bitch, and complain to the waiter all night—we envision you doing the same to us five years from now when we’re attempting to watch the game.

11) If you’re considering chopping off all your hair because you need a “new beginning” after some dude played you—please don’t do it. You’ll regret it in the morning.

12) “Honey, I’m going to the gym. Wanna come?” really means, “Uh, I’ve noticed that you’ve gained a few pounds—and this is the safest way to tell you.”

13) When you pop up for the first time in weeks and say, “Hey, stranger! How’ve you been?” we hear, “Things didn’t work out with the other dude. Good thing we have YOU as our fall-back option.”

14) That being the case, we’ll tell the aforementioned young lady we’re “not looking for anything serious.”

15) Beyonce is not a philosopher whose music should be interpreted as gospel. Thus, if you’ve ever asked your guy to “put a ring on it,” told a man you can “upgrade” him, or dumped him by saying, “to the left” twice—you’re automatically disqualified from being the future mother of our children.

Remember the Things Women Can Get Away With—But Men Can’t blogs I’ve posted the last couple weeks?

Well, I decided to flip it and show y’all that it ain’t all bad for us men.

Here are 16 things that men can pull off—but y’all (women) can’t:

1) Asking the opposite sex for their hand in marriage: Men get married on OUR terms. We’ll ask y’all when we’re good and damn well ready. You have NO say in when it happens—AT ALL. Deal with it. 

2) Eating as much as we want without looking like a pig.

3) Not caring if their potential mate is shorter than them: Women see a short dude as someone who isn’t worthy of their time. We see a short woman as an opportunity to do tricks.

4) NEVER having to take birth control orally: So let me get this straight: Y’all have to spend a ton of money on birth control pills. Take ‘em EVERY day (if you miss one dose—it don’t work?). And repeat the same thing every month? Men? Our birth control plans consist of running down to Target to pick up a 12 pack of jimmy hats…and that’s about it.

5) Owning 5 pairs of shoes or less: A dude will own less than 2 testicles before a woman will have less than 5 pairs of shoes.

6) Not knowing how to dance: It’s perfectly acceptable if we can’t dance. But fellas, are y’all really tryin’ to take yo’ girl to the reggae club if she can’t “wind it up”?

7) Going 24 hours without using the phone: Just a lil’ FYI, ladies—we hate talking on the phone! ‘Cause we can’t pay attention to you and the game at the same time?

NEVER having to wear uncomfortable shoes—that hurt our feet after wearing ‘em for less than 10 minutes.

9) Surviving a 24-hour period without receiving a compliment from someone of the opposite sex: Weeks—even months—pass without me getting a compliment. And I’m OK with it. Can the same be said for women?

10) Having huge feet.

11) Urinating in public: We can just go in the alley and relieve ourselves without anyone knowing. I saw a girl “squatting” by a tree once—I am now scarred for life, dog.

12) Not having to wait in line to use a public bathroom: Know when the last time I waited in a line for the men’s room? NEVER!

13) Owning porn: Fellas, I don’t know about y’all—but I’d be kinda freaked out if I walked in on my woman watchin’ Saving Ryan’s Privates.

14) Never having a bad hair day: Know when the last time I had a bad hair day? NEVER (well, unless you count the times in high school when I had trouble making sure my high-top fade was even)!

15) Getting ready to leave the house in no less than 20 minutes.

16) Not having to endure the horrible, excruciating pain of childbirth: Thanks for takin’ one for the team, ladies! Just have the doctor call us when it’s over and we’ll pause our game of Madden and be right there.

Remember the Top 5 Things Women Can Get Away With—But Men Can’t blog from a while ago?
What about the Things Women Can Get Away With—But Men Can’t (the cutting room floor) blog?

Well, here are 13 MORE Things Women Can Get Away With—But Men Can’t:

Turning down sex: When a dude gets shot the hell down for trying to “get some” late at night, we just have to accept that shyt. Grin and bear it. If a woman gets her sexual advances declined—it shatters her fragile ego to the point that she has to launch a full-scale internal investigation as to the reasons why (he’s a DL brotha, he doesn’t find me attractive anymore, he’s just not that into me, etc).

Never having to take out the garbage: Something a man will never be heard asking his significant other, “Honey, can YOU take out the garbage?” Bottom line: if there’s a man around, a woman ain’t NEVER gon’ take out the garbage. EVER!

Not owning a car: Fellas, when’s the last time a woman picked YOU the hell up for a date? Can’t remember? Wanna know why? ‘Cause it ain’t never happened.

Gossiping: Can y’all really trust a dude who’s on TMZ all day and runs around talkin’ about everybody else’s business?

Sneaking food into the movie theater in the summer: The ONLY time we actually like women’s purses.

Not knowing how to fix a car: Ain’t no thang if a woman can’t fix her ride—they’ll just call a man to do it. If a guy can’t fix a car—His manhood is questioned.

Having a successful, high-paying career based solely on the size of your booty: My ass is pretty big—but ain’t nobody offering me tons of money for videos, calendars, club appearances, etc.

Using the opposite sex’s bathroom in public: I’ve been to concerts where the women have used our bathrooms because their line is too damn long. And it’s acceptable? If I tried to use the women’s bathroom? I’d be “escorted” out by a team of 300-pound security guards and removed from the premises.

Having 99% of their friends be of the opposite sex: When’s the last time you heard a dude say, “Mostly all of my friends are women. I just don’t get along with guys”?

Becoming a celebrity by making a sex tape with a famous person: If I could get rich and famous by making a sex tape with Whoopi Goldberg—I still wouldn’t do it.

Having a ménage a trios’ with a member of the same sex: If by chance I ever end up being included in a threesome, another dude is NOT gon’ be participating.

Wearing fake hair: A gentleman with a toupee or hairpiece is a laughingstock. A joke. But women with weave encompass more than 50% of the female population.

Getting aroused in public without anyone knowing: If I happen to get a boner at work (it has happened before), I have to stay at my desk until that muhfukka goes down? Women? They can stroll around the office with hard nipples and moisture—and no one would be the wiser.