Vondarrien

Remember my Things You Don’t Know About Men posts?

They’re based on Esquire’s old Things You Don’t Know About Women articles, where celebrity women advise gentlemen on dealing with the opposite sex.

For example:
Julia Louis Dreyfus: “When we say we ‘almost tried that in college,’ it means we did. At least twice.”

What better time than now than to impart more wisdom to the ladies?

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1) When having a conversation with friends about sex: women embark on a definitive, hour-long conversation recalling EVERY poignant detail, passionate touch, and breathtaking moment—while her girlfriends hang on every word.

 
2) What do men say to the fellas? “Yeah, I hit that. Now pass me another Heineken, will ya?”

 
3) GOOD LORD ALMIGHTY! Please don’t wear those heinous five-finger shoes at the health club EVER again. We need you looking sexy at the gym. Not like you can successfully scale the rock-climbing wall like Ceasar from Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

 
4) If you’re really attractive, there’s never a need to say it. Consequently, if your online dating profile’s username contains any variations of the words pretty, sexy, or hot—but doesn’t have an actual picture—we’re left with no alternative but to assume that you resemble a female version of The Lorax.

 
5) Your bathroom is only allowed to have one of three distinct fragrances: 1) tropical fruit, 2) exotic flowers, or 3) a South American rain forest. If we use the restroom at your place—and there’s even the hint of a scent of something that originated from your rectal cavity—we’ll never be able to look at you the same. Ever.

 
6) If you invite us over late at night ONLY to watch a movie—please make that crystal clear beforehand. Nothing’s worse than cuddling through 3 hours of The Notebook, only to be kicked out in the wee hours of the night to embark on the humiliating walk of shame with a spectacular case of blue balls.

 
7) Even if you don’t like it—please drink the bottle of wine we bought you for Valentine’s Day. It’s demoralizing to spend precious time at the winery (and by “winery,” I mean Costco) picking the perfect medley—only to discover our bottle collecting dust at your place while you guzzle the stuff from Target.

 
8 ) A mini-skirt with tights kinda defeats the purpose, does it not? Words you’ll never hear a man speak: “Babe, you look smokin’ hot in that micro mini! Know what’d make it even sexier? Covering all the good stuff by wearing tights underneath.”

 
9) Although it’s the thought that counts, under no circumstances should you purchase us flowers for special occasions. It’s tough explaining to the fellas—who came over to watch someone’s face get smashed on the UFC pay-per-view—why there’s a dainty bouquet of dandelions on the living room table.

 
10) Much like Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster, the concept of an independent woman is a completely fabricated myth. In the history of mankind, no woman’s ever said: “Babe, I know you’re playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2—so I’d be delighted to venture out into the frigid, sub-zero cold and shovel the snow from the driveway.”

 
11) How dare those dumb-ass Republicans insult you for using birth control! Any man who’s ever had the fear of God put into him after his woman dropped the two most unfortunate words in the English language (“I’m late…”) knows the critical importance of The Pill and rubbers. 

 
12) We’d appreciate if you stopped letting gangster rap songs dictate how you define yourselves. Throughout time, no progressive gentleman has ever announced to his colleagues while having an after-work cocktail: “You know, Bill, I’m REALLY looking forward to returning home to my five-star chick.”

Remember my Things You Don’t Know About Men posts?

They were a rebuttal to Esquire’s old Things You Don’t Know About Women series, where celebrity women advise us (men) on dealing with the opposite sex.

For example:
Courteney Cox: “If we’re crying and you’re holding us and get a hard-on, we automatically deduct points.”

It’s time to share more advice with the ladies.
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1) Under NO circumstances should you refer to your private part as your “va-jay-jay.” Because absolutely nothing kills the mood more than making your love box sound like a feminine hygiene product you purchased at the dollar store.

2) We get offended when you come over for dinner and proceed to thoroughly inspect and scrub our plates, silverware, and cups—that’ve ALREADY been cleaned. That residue on your glass ain’t gon’ hurt nobody.

3) SWEET JESUS! Please refrain from wearing those WWF-style championship stomach belts with your outfit. We need you looking sexy when we go out. Not like you’re about to do some dead lifts at the health club.

4) When you proudly proclaim that you’re “drama free,” we interpret that as, “My baby daddy ain’t been trippin’ lately. But when he hears about YOU—dude’s gon’ act a damn fool.”

5) That exquisite bottle of merlot you were so shocked, yet impressed, to find in our kitchen? Yeah, ol’ boy from Costco picked it for us—about an hour before you arrived. It was $7.99. We actually DETEST wine. However, we doubt offering you some Seagram’s Gin in a cup from the dollar store will get us laid anytime soon.

6) Can we please watch football without you commenting on EVERYTHING but the happenings on the field!? We’re trying to focus on the smashmouth, gridiron action—not your astute observations of how dehydrated the sideline reporter’s weave is.

7) On Facebook, if we get a friends request from a lady over the age of 18 with a “middle name” spelled like a Twitter hashtag (LaTashina imthatbombassbitch Jenkins)—we promptly hit the “ignore” button and continue with our day.

8 ) When we arrive, on time, to pick you up for our date and hear, “Uh, you’re here already? Can you come in for just a second?”—we know yo’ ass won’t be ready for another 45 minutes.

9) When YOU call, out of the blue, and invite US to dinner/drinks on a Saturday night—don’t make it a staring match when the black leather envelope comes afterward. That’s YOURS, homie. We don’t invite YOU to OUR place for dinner—and expect YOU to cook. Same principles apply.

10) If you’re an adult woman—you can’t possibly expect to be taken seriously if you have a self-ascribed nickname for your boobs (ie, “the twins,” “the girls,” “Ren & Stimpy”).

11) When you decide to stay overnight at our place, because you’re too tired and/or drunk to drive home, and insist on sleeping in our bed fully clothed—we take that as a telltale sign that we ain’t gettin’ none that evening. However, we still feel obligated to make an attempt regardless.

12) The FIRST time we invite you to our place—we’re gonna pull out all the stops to ensure that it’s so spectacularly clean that you can eat off the floor. The THIRD time? You’ll be lucky if we make the effort to wash the mountain of dishes in our sink, take out the garbage, or flush the toilet.

13) When you say, “I’m too old to be play childish games with men,” we hear, “My ex just played the hell out of me! After YEARS of playing games on these dudes—I finally know how it feels.”

14) When we nonchalantly inquire what you thought about the steamy girl-on-girl sex scene in Black Swan—we’re really asking, “Babe, you think it’s possible for us to re-enact that scene—at my place? With your BFF Shequeena? With ME included? Preferably, with my Flip camera in the background recording the raw footage?”

Remember my Things You Don’t Know About Men posts?

They were a rebuttal to Esquire’s Things You Don’t Know About Women series, where ladies advise us on dealing with the opposite sex.

For instance:
Minnie Driver: “When you hug a woman at the end of a date, if you have any romantic intentions whatsoever, do not ‘bro-pat’ her on the back.”

I’ve decided to share a few more secrets with the ladies.
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1) If we say, “I’m not looking for anything serious…” we really mean: “I don’t quite think you’re girlfriend material, but we can have sex and catch a movie occasionally.”

 

2) FOR THE LOVE OF GOD: please don’t wear those hideous gladiator sandals EVER again. We need you lookin’ sexy in the summer—not like you’re about to do battle with a tiger in the Roman coliseum.

 

3) When you say you’ll “be right out,” after we arrive to pick you up for our date—we know you won’t really be ready for another 20 minutes.

 

4) Since we know yo’ ass is just gettin’ out of the shower when we get there, we’ve learned to call and say we’re outside waiting—when we’re actually a few miles away. Hopefully, you’ll be ready when we really show up.

 

5) When you say, “I’ve taken a vow of celibacy to get my life right with the Lord,” we hear, “Some dude fukked me the hell over—and now I’m gon’ take it out on YOU!”

 

6) Can we please watch the UFC without you saying it’s gay and homoerotic? Maybe it’s me, but I ain’t never seen a dude kick another man in the face because he wanted to have sex with him.

 

7) NEVER show up at our place unannounced. Unless, of course, you want to see the horrific, unspeakable condition of our bathroom. ’Cause the only time we clean it is before you come over.

 

8 ) If you selected Turn My Swag On as your phone’s ringtone—we’re definitely “not looking for anything serious.”

 

9) When you ask which purse goes with the dress and shoes you’re wearing—realize that we’re probably 30 minutes late for where we’re supposed to be. Therefore, we’re probably gon’ tell you anything to expedite the process.

 

10) When we take you to dinner and you nag, bitch, and complain to the waiter all night—we envision you doing the same to us five years from now when we’re attempting to watch the game.

 

11) If you’re considering chopping off all your hair because you need a “new beginning” after some dude played you—please don’t do it. You’ll regret it in the morning.

 

12) “Honey, I’m going to the gym. Wanna come?” really means, “Uh, I’ve noticed that you’ve gained a few pounds—and this is the safest way to tell you.”

 

13) When you pop up for the first time in weeks and say, “Hey, stranger! How’ve you been?” we hear, “Things didn’t work out with the other dude. Good thing we have YOU as our fall-back option.”

 

14) That being the case, we’ll tell the aforementioned young lady we’re “not looking for anything serious.”

 

15) Beyonce is not a philosopher whose music should be interpreted as gospel. Thus, if you’ve ever asked your guy to “put a ring on it,” told a man you can “upgrade” him, or dumped him by saying, “to the left” twice—you’re automatically disqualified from being the future mother of our children.